First thing, notice, I titled this Xmas shopping and not Christmas 'cause in no way, shape or form does the running around, dodging traffic and spending my hard earned dough ray me on crap have anything to do with the CHRIST part of the MAS. Anyhoo, I broke my cardinal rule of setting foot in a store after Thanksgiving, (It's a guy thing), and I went to ***-Mart and headed to the electronics department to buy my daughter a 2GB IPod Nano.
Know what I want and where to get it. Go in, grab it, pay and run. I knew I was in trouble right from the get go. The things are locked up in a case. I head back to the counter where there are 3 associates in blue vests behind the counter locked in conversation that has nothing to do with business and one young lady checking out people. You know, sort of like a highway job. One guy working and three watching. So I stand there for what seems like an eternity. And as usual when I go to a low price, high volume, zero service type establishment, I am wearing my invisible suit. So this goes on until I have a long white beard and cob webs are starting to form and I finally find my spine and I pipe up with, "Can somebody get me an IPod out of the case!" A young guy tells me he will get it and for me to stay right there. And now I'm thinking....Oh yeah, he is going to get me one, after he bounces it off the floor or uses it as a roller skate to get back to the counter. I mean that's what I would have done at his age when some guy came up to me and my buddies goldbricking and interrupted our very important, top level discussion.
So he brings it back and put's it behind the counter and tells me to get in line. Oh no! Now I am behind every idiot in town trying to write checks with no ID, debit cards that won't go through and the 19 or 20 something guy, one customer in front of me that is buying a $19.99 plus tax computer keyboard with change. That's right change. Nickels, dimes, quarters and pennies. So as I watch this and sweat begins to run down my back, I can only think of where I'd rather be. Root canal, tax audit, talking to my ex-wife. Pretty much anywhere but here. As you can probably imagine this was as much fun as throwing Red Devil #9 turpentine on a skinned knee. It was a sight. He diligently stacked the coins in stacks of one dollar each as me and 30 of my closest new friends watched helplessly. I was really waiting for him to come up short as that would have been the end all! Of course, I would have paid the shortfall just to get rid of him! He gets it all done and the girl behind the counter now has to count it as she puts it in the cash register. Instead of sliding the coins into her hand and counting, i.e, 10, 20, 30, she lifts each stack and drops them one by one onto the counter than slides them into her hand and into the till. I am about ready to kill myself and end the misery. She gets done and the coin idiot takes his receipt and now begins a snappy repartee with the sales chick oblivious of all the people in line. I don't think that he ever turned his head during the whole process and besides the leers and bad mojo that I was exuding, I really don't think he ever knew we were there.
He leaves and the next guy in front of me begins to remove items from his cart that turns out he does not want to buy, but wants price checks on. Are you kidding me? Have I stepped into the Twilight Zone. I am starting to look around for the hidden cameras and Alan Funt to appear. Am I being punked? Is this The Jamie Kennedy Experiment, what is going on here? ***-Mart has barcode readers all over the store on pillars for this purpose. So price check guy pulls everything out in slow motion just to aggravate me. He put's eveything back in the cart and begins to tell check out girl that he is "Just figuring out his Christmas shopping and will be back later." Now it's me. I get rung up, I slide the card, (which goes through, I may add, as I actually have money in my account), I get my receipt and I am gone. My transaction all in all take 30 seconds, as it should.
The lesson here...next year, everybody gets a donation in their name to the Human Fund. Money for People. Festivus for the rest of us! And don't forget the aluminum pole.
Know what I want and where to get it. Go in, grab it, pay and run. I knew I was in trouble right from the get go. The things are locked up in a case. I head back to the counter where there are 3 associates in blue vests behind the counter locked in conversation that has nothing to do with business and one young lady checking out people. You know, sort of like a highway job. One guy working and three watching. So I stand there for what seems like an eternity. And as usual when I go to a low price, high volume, zero service type establishment, I am wearing my invisible suit. So this goes on until I have a long white beard and cob webs are starting to form and I finally find my spine and I pipe up with, "Can somebody get me an IPod out of the case!" A young guy tells me he will get it and for me to stay right there. And now I'm thinking....Oh yeah, he is going to get me one, after he bounces it off the floor or uses it as a roller skate to get back to the counter. I mean that's what I would have done at his age when some guy came up to me and my buddies goldbricking and interrupted our very important, top level discussion.
So he brings it back and put's it behind the counter and tells me to get in line. Oh no! Now I am behind every idiot in town trying to write checks with no ID, debit cards that won't go through and the 19 or 20 something guy, one customer in front of me that is buying a $19.99 plus tax computer keyboard with change. That's right change. Nickels, dimes, quarters and pennies. So as I watch this and sweat begins to run down my back, I can only think of where I'd rather be. Root canal, tax audit, talking to my ex-wife. Pretty much anywhere but here. As you can probably imagine this was as much fun as throwing Red Devil #9 turpentine on a skinned knee. It was a sight. He diligently stacked the coins in stacks of one dollar each as me and 30 of my closest new friends watched helplessly. I was really waiting for him to come up short as that would have been the end all! Of course, I would have paid the shortfall just to get rid of him! He gets it all done and the girl behind the counter now has to count it as she puts it in the cash register. Instead of sliding the coins into her hand and counting, i.e, 10, 20, 30, she lifts each stack and drops them one by one onto the counter than slides them into her hand and into the till. I am about ready to kill myself and end the misery. She gets done and the coin idiot takes his receipt and now begins a snappy repartee with the sales chick oblivious of all the people in line. I don't think that he ever turned his head during the whole process and besides the leers and bad mojo that I was exuding, I really don't think he ever knew we were there.
He leaves and the next guy in front of me begins to remove items from his cart that turns out he does not want to buy, but wants price checks on. Are you kidding me? Have I stepped into the Twilight Zone. I am starting to look around for the hidden cameras and Alan Funt to appear. Am I being punked? Is this The Jamie Kennedy Experiment, what is going on here? ***-Mart has barcode readers all over the store on pillars for this purpose. So price check guy pulls everything out in slow motion just to aggravate me. He put's eveything back in the cart and begins to tell check out girl that he is "Just figuring out his Christmas shopping and will be back later." Now it's me. I get rung up, I slide the card, (which goes through, I may add, as I actually have money in my account), I get my receipt and I am gone. My transaction all in all take 30 seconds, as it should.
The lesson here...next year, everybody gets a donation in their name to the Human Fund. Money for People. Festivus for the rest of us! And don't forget the aluminum pole.
2 comments:
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Hay, it took me forever to return those bottles and cans for that keyboard. It'll make a fine gift
for my mom, althought she has a
debiliting arthritis and cant realy type. "Oh well"
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