Wednesday, May 16, 2007


Well it’s spring again, when there is love in the air and a young man’s fancy turns to CARP FISHING! I don’t know much but I do know this… and here is everything from my time tested recipe for carp dough... to how to catch ‘em. Good luck!

Flour or cheap pancake mix
Corn Meal
Cheap Pancake Syrup not the real thing – it’s for the maple smell
Blackstrap Molasses

Take an old coffee can, I don’t why, just superstition, as I have always done it this way, and start with a couple of cups of flour, heave in some good shakes of the corn meal. Don’t worry as you can’t screw this up and you can always add stuff later. Shake sugar in, add maple syrup and molasses. Then add water as need be. You need a good wooden spoon to stir this mess up. Add ingredients as you go to make it like a thick cookie dough and not watery. When you are done you should be able to handle this thing like a big brown stinky softball but not syrupy, if that makes sense. Make sure you use the molasses as the stuff is like tar and will hold the dough ball together in the water. Resist the urge to taste it, because it tastes like crap. Now refrigerate this dough over night.

Now here’s the part nobody tells you about and it has always worked for me when cultivating a new carp hole. You need to go there everyday for a week and just chum the hole. Take balls of the dough and throw them out into the water. Throw 20 of them around and leave. Do this around the same time everyday. I never carp fish in the morning. I always fish in the middle of the day when nothing else is hitting except for these big dumb bastards. After a while you will see them swirling around in the water waiting like idiots for your chum.

When you can’t stand it any longer bring your poles. It’s better with 2 or 3 of your buddies as you have more bait in the water and there is somebody there to back up your incredible carp stories. Always run 2 poles per person stretched out down the shore. You need to always chum the hole with dough. Use a smaller hook then you think like a size 6 and run 8 to 10 pound test maximum. A bigger hook the carp will feel and drop the bait and a heavy line doesn’t cast. It’s all about the tensile strength anyway. I once caught a 27lb carp on an ultra lite with 4lb test so it can be done. I couldn’t lift my arms to scratch my nose for a month but that’s another story altogether.

Remember, chum the hole then form the dough ball around your hook to the size of a Titelist or Maxfli or whatever the hell it is you use on the course. I have no endorsements so I make my dough balls the size of an X out or a water ball that I have pulled out of what ever crappy course I’m on.

Now casting is an art with this or else the dough flies off the hook and becomes more chum. Don’t muscleman cast as much as you kinda of lob it out there. You don’t need to be real far out cause when these bastards get hooked they will handle that for you. I always prop my rods up with sticks or a rod holder so the tip is high and the line snug but not taut. When they start to gum the bait you’ll get some preliminary tugs but wait until a couple of good tugs and then pick up the rod and set the hook. Yell, “FISH ON” so your buddies can pull all their lines in. Make sure your drag is set so they can run or your line will break. Then you have to start working them back to shore like guys on fishing boats by walking backwards or pulling the rod back and reeling in the slack.

What ever you do, don’t pull a Kevin Ashman, or as it’s known by us a KDA. Kevin was a room mate of mine and a fishing buddy who always lowered his rod tip straight at the fish while John Bills yelled, “GET YOUR POLE UP, GET YOUR POLE UP”, ker-snap went his line every time. I haven’t seen Kevin in 20 years and all I can say if your reading this is.... sorry but it’s true.

Make sure you bring a long pole net because you can’t beach big carp, they will just roll over and break the line. Hopefully you will have John Bills there ‘cause he will go diving in after the son of a bitch. It didn’t matter if John had a brand new pair of hundred dollar sneakers on, he was going in and wrestling the rat bastard to shore. I’ve seen him with that look in his eye and I don’t mean the carp. Just don’t get between Bills and a fish or you will get hurt.

When you get him in, lay him on the bank, then you and your buddies can jump up and down yelling, “WILL YA LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THAT BASTARD” then throw him back and start all over again.

So that’s my trick. Hope it works for you. Let me know how you make out.

For some good info go here

Wednesday, March 14, 2007


Well, son of a bitch, after 6 weeks I’m finally done. Of course, 90% of what I am looking for is lost in the 2000 boxes I have stashed in the attic, basement and garage. I’m sure like all the other moves in my life, I’ll get around it the same way I always do. Go out, buy it again, and find the packed away one the next day. Part of the reason is my scientific method of specifically and deliberately marking all the cartons with hieroglyphics and cryptic markings. Some of the crates even have those little side ways Egyptian guys and cave drawings of mastodons. It made perfect sense when I loaded them up. Now it’s just gibberish.

Part of the move consisted of numerous trips to goodwill with items like my 9th grade earth science book, a thermal paper fax machine from 1991 and no less than 3 salt and pepper shakers sets still in the box, one in the shape of some black and white cows. What the hell was I thinking when I bought that? The only bad thing is, if the 9th grade calls me back, I can’t go, because I gave away the text book. Then again, I was in 9th grade in 1973 so maybe they have new stuff by now.

And talk about tired. Nothing says “out of shape” like walking up and down steps with boxes and furniture. And shoveling snow. It seems like the minute I get the driveway cleared it starts all over again. I don’t know what I was thinking. I could have stayed in my nice rented townhouse, where magically the sidewalk and driveway shoveled itself. But, nooooooo, I went and bought a house. Next comes the mowing. I don’t know what I hate worse. Freezing while I chop ice off the driveway or sweating to death while I pick hayseeds and flies out of my teeth.

Well at least now, I can do whatever I want to the place. Like paint it purple with a yellow smiley face on the roof, put an anti aircraft gun on the front lawn and point it at my neighbors picture window, tie a barking junkyard dog on a one foot rope to the tree in the front yard, park old cars in various states of de-composition in the driveway, fill an old bathtub with dirty water and start a mosquito pond, let the pennysavers and junk mail pile up under the mailbox into a soaking wet heap, play “Paradise by the Dashboard Light” on repeat and blast it out of the garage for a week straight, run a chain saw at 6AM on Sunday morning. You know. All the things that make for being a good neighbor. Because after all, deep down inside, I’m a people person.

These bastards don’t know what their in for!