So here I go again and all I can say is, Oh brother! Today I made the fatal error of opening an email from a local but national craft store. It featured a doll house that you could build, design, decorate etc etc and it was on sale! How could I resist! $129 bucks marked down to $69. And it comes with a family that includes a cat and a dog. I’m in.
Forget the fact that we have like, a hundred doll houses piled up around here that I am pretty sure my daughter hasn’t touched since we got ‘em. Still, I have to have it. So I go to work and the first chance that I see a break in the action, I pull my disappearing act and I head down the busiest road on the planet to get my prize. Bumper to bumper, stop and go, 2 miles per hour, red light after red light. After what seems like forever, I pull into the plaza and as expected the joint is PACKED. I park in another zip code and begin my trek to the front door.
As I approach the front door I am cut off by somebody’s grandmother who steps one foot inside, spots some potpourri, yarn animal, floam display, artificial flowers, sparkle paint kit, WHATEVER and stops dead in her tracks. Me of course, I am heading in like a freight train and I come up short and slam right into her. After the appropriate sorry’s and excuse me’s, we part company. I run though the place, up one aisle and down the other to grab the house so I can blow this taco stand.
No house, no where. Now I am getting nervous. So I take another run thru the place when I see the thing at the top of the rack with a sale sign in front of it. And it’s the last one. Now, I am not 5 foot 3 nor Yao Ming size either, but this thing was high up. Now, I am standing there contemplating getting somebody from the store staff or jumping up and down like an idiot in a suit and tie and knocking it off the shelf. I opt for the jumping. Also there is the matter of the plexiglass sign. That is going to come down in my hand or it is going to bounce off my skull. No doubt about it. So after an appropriate amount of flailing about, I bring it down and I don’t dent my head in the process. Success! On to the cash register.
There are six check out aisles with of course, only two open and fifty people in line. This is the busiest retail season of the year. The last thing a store would want to do is to adequately staff it for the rush. As usual, I eyeball the cashiers, customers, size of the queue, items in hands or carts and after carefully analyzing all the factors and basing it on my many years of shopping experience, I immediately get in the wrong line.
There are three house frau’s in front of me with two shopping carts. All with bad hairdos, lousy cheap clothes and over bites. Definitely mother and two daughters. All ugly as sin. One cart has nothing in it. The second is full of smelly candles and stupid crap. I mean BIG smelly candles. And a small bald alien creature that some people refer to as a baby. Now, the only baby I ever gave a rat’s ass about was my own. The rest of ‘em are annoying, ugly, curtain climbers that I don’t like. Sure I will put up airs when it profits me, but in reality, I hate other people’s kids. I could bullshit you, but there it is. But l digress, so back to the smelly candle broads.
Now, while I stand there with this 30LB box in my hand, I watch while the cashier, a 60 plus old lady stands there and makes goo goo eyes at the rug rat in the cart and literally does the cartoon baby talk to the kid. And I mean on and on and on. Fifty people in line and Grandma Moses over here is going “Goo Goo Gaa Gaa” to this diaper filler while I stand there like an idiot with a box in my hands. Still nothing has been rung up or even placed on the check out counter. The mother of the alien finally decides to place a smelly candle on the counter and we are off!
As usual both the customer and checkout lady are moving in slooooooooo moooootion. Smelly candle after smelly candle and stupid crap goes up on the counter. A third of the crap goes to the register when ugly mom stops and tells old lady cashier that is the end of her order. Old lady cashier rings the total and ugly mom whips out the checkbook. Now not for nothing. She knew she was coming here, She stood in line. Get the goddamn check out before you get to the head of the line. Write in the name of the store, put in the date, sign it….what the hell! Besides the fact, what are you doing writing a check in a store in this day and age? What is this? The wild wild west! Get a debit card like the rest of the world. I bet if I go into a store in Kazakhstan, they take cards. And as you might have guessed this whole scene was repeated by the grandmother. In all fairness to the ugly sister of the alien’s mother she did pay with a card. At this point in the transaction, I was too pissed to care. They cleared out and I paid for my house and was gone in 30 seconds as per usual.
The lesson here is don’t fall for email come on’s and buy your doll house’s on line where there is no chance of getting stuck in line behind a bunch of house wives buying ginger bread and apple butter stinking candles. Anyway, that’s what I think.
Forget the fact that we have like, a hundred doll houses piled up around here that I am pretty sure my daughter hasn’t touched since we got ‘em. Still, I have to have it. So I go to work and the first chance that I see a break in the action, I pull my disappearing act and I head down the busiest road on the planet to get my prize. Bumper to bumper, stop and go, 2 miles per hour, red light after red light. After what seems like forever, I pull into the plaza and as expected the joint is PACKED. I park in another zip code and begin my trek to the front door.
As I approach the front door I am cut off by somebody’s grandmother who steps one foot inside, spots some potpourri, yarn animal, floam display, artificial flowers, sparkle paint kit, WHATEVER and stops dead in her tracks. Me of course, I am heading in like a freight train and I come up short and slam right into her. After the appropriate sorry’s and excuse me’s, we part company. I run though the place, up one aisle and down the other to grab the house so I can blow this taco stand.
No house, no where. Now I am getting nervous. So I take another run thru the place when I see the thing at the top of the rack with a sale sign in front of it. And it’s the last one. Now, I am not 5 foot 3 nor Yao Ming size either, but this thing was high up. Now, I am standing there contemplating getting somebody from the store staff or jumping up and down like an idiot in a suit and tie and knocking it off the shelf. I opt for the jumping. Also there is the matter of the plexiglass sign. That is going to come down in my hand or it is going to bounce off my skull. No doubt about it. So after an appropriate amount of flailing about, I bring it down and I don’t dent my head in the process. Success! On to the cash register.
There are six check out aisles with of course, only two open and fifty people in line. This is the busiest retail season of the year. The last thing a store would want to do is to adequately staff it for the rush. As usual, I eyeball the cashiers, customers, size of the queue, items in hands or carts and after carefully analyzing all the factors and basing it on my many years of shopping experience, I immediately get in the wrong line.
There are three house frau’s in front of me with two shopping carts. All with bad hairdos, lousy cheap clothes and over bites. Definitely mother and two daughters. All ugly as sin. One cart has nothing in it. The second is full of smelly candles and stupid crap. I mean BIG smelly candles. And a small bald alien creature that some people refer to as a baby. Now, the only baby I ever gave a rat’s ass about was my own. The rest of ‘em are annoying, ugly, curtain climbers that I don’t like. Sure I will put up airs when it profits me, but in reality, I hate other people’s kids. I could bullshit you, but there it is. But l digress, so back to the smelly candle broads.
Now, while I stand there with this 30LB box in my hand, I watch while the cashier, a 60 plus old lady stands there and makes goo goo eyes at the rug rat in the cart and literally does the cartoon baby talk to the kid. And I mean on and on and on. Fifty people in line and Grandma Moses over here is going “Goo Goo Gaa Gaa” to this diaper filler while I stand there like an idiot with a box in my hands. Still nothing has been rung up or even placed on the check out counter. The mother of the alien finally decides to place a smelly candle on the counter and we are off!
As usual both the customer and checkout lady are moving in slooooooooo moooootion. Smelly candle after smelly candle and stupid crap goes up on the counter. A third of the crap goes to the register when ugly mom stops and tells old lady cashier that is the end of her order. Old lady cashier rings the total and ugly mom whips out the checkbook. Now not for nothing. She knew she was coming here, She stood in line. Get the goddamn check out before you get to the head of the line. Write in the name of the store, put in the date, sign it….what the hell! Besides the fact, what are you doing writing a check in a store in this day and age? What is this? The wild wild west! Get a debit card like the rest of the world. I bet if I go into a store in Kazakhstan, they take cards. And as you might have guessed this whole scene was repeated by the grandmother. In all fairness to the ugly sister of the alien’s mother she did pay with a card. At this point in the transaction, I was too pissed to care. They cleared out and I paid for my house and was gone in 30 seconds as per usual.
The lesson here is don’t fall for email come on’s and buy your doll house’s on line where there is no chance of getting stuck in line behind a bunch of house wives buying ginger bread and apple butter stinking candles. Anyway, that’s what I think.
1 comment:
Now I can relate to that.
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