Oh yes, I’m the great De Falco. Hear me roar. Women adore me and men fear me. There’s two kinds of people in this world; there’s me and people who wish they were me. Dogs and small children revere me as a god. Cats pay cash money to sit in my lap. I am omnipotent and omnipresent. I am everywhere and everyone at all times. My followers refer to me as the Bagwan Shree Rajneesh Maha Tony D. I am the Duke of the eastern hemisphere and the presiding governor of the milky way. I once did the hundred yard dash in ten seconds but was disqualified for using a car. The stupid seldom recognize brilliance.
I’ve spent most of my money on booze and broads, the rest I just wasted. Nobody knows I’m Elvis. I was wrong once. Later I found out I was right, so I was still wrong. If I want your opinion, I’ll give it to you. Remember that I’ll be sober tomorrow but you’ll be ugly the rest of your life. The best thing about being me is, I’m not you.
De Falco’s rule of probability states that bread will land butter side down, always. Your boss is an asshole and yes I slept with your wife/girlfriend. I will never return those books and CD’s you loaned me. How stupid can you be? All I ask is that you treat me no different than any other Supreme Being. I’d walk a mile in your shoes, but I won’t because they stink and won’t fit right.
If you want the best seat in the house, move your dog. I brew my own beer in my bathtub and I shower in the driveway. Men named Nunzio beg me for my pizza recipes. A slice of my lasagna will break a man’s foot if dropped. My instant coffee is considered gourmet fare in Tibet. I can get it for you wholesale and the deal ends tomorrow. Ok, I’ll let you have it for cost. Buy one get one free. Really, I’m not making a dime on this.
Scotch isn’t just for breakfast anymore. Just remember this hurts me more than it hurts you. Never let the bastards see you sweat. Years from now you’ll look back on all this and laugh. Two wrongs do make a right as long as you don’t get caught.
And don’t forget…never let anyone outside the family know what you are thinking.
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